SEMINAR ON PARENTING SKILLS

“COMMUNICATING POSITIVELY & CONSTRUCTIVELY WITH YOUR CHILDREN”

At a seminar on the above subject, organised by CEFL, parents were given some ideas of how to strategise communicating with their children as a means to develop constructive relationships and minimise hindrances to their progress. Our guest speaker was Dr Goh Chee Leong, the Director and Head of HELP University’s Centre for Psychology, who lectures on a broad range of courses, including motivation and counselling psychology, and also works as a corporate trainer, specialising in conflict resolution.
Dr Goh gave an arresting talk, analysing the various ways we can and do communicate with our children and giving food for thought to all present.
He started by looking at the purpose of communication and identified three main areas for consideration: conveying a message, sharing feelings and building relationships. He focused particularly on building relationships which he characterised as making connections with the other party. Parents can and should communicate with their children both to encourage and strengthen a relationship and, importantly, to steer children towards an end objective which parents have identified. In other words the person they would like their child to be when he/she grows up. To achieve this, Dr Goh encouraged parents to have a regular ‘retreat’ where they discuss and agree how they can best help their children to move towards the objective they have agreed upon. And it’s not just a matter of considering academic attainment or career options; parents must make a conscious effort to identify important characteristics and values that they want their children to acquire. These characteristics may be compassion, a concern for health (physical and emotional), an appreciation of the value of education, spirituality, integrity, independence, etc.
There must be unity of mind between parents. At the same time punishment meted out must be consistent with the value parents are trying to instil. Be careful about misplaced anger, which is destructive. Parental expectations must be appropriate to the child’s age and ability.
Dr Goh discussed 5 ways of communicating with children.
Positive–Conditional, parents offer praise and rewards for the accomplishment of the child. For example, when the child does well in exams, parents may then encourage him/her by saying ‘well done’ or rewarding with a present. The child has done something to deserve recognition and such recognition must be meaningful.
Positive-Unconditional is what parents give without a need for the child to achieve or perform something e.g. a vacation for the family or just an expression of love. Parents must be careful not to use love as a discipline tool or punishment. Parental love cannot be linked to a child’s action or else it may affect his/her self-esteem. Further it is useful for the child to spend some quality time with the parent on a one-to-one basis without the presence of other siblings.
Negative-Conditional takes the form of punishment to promote adherence to values established. The child then understands when he/she has crossed certain defined boundaries or has been guilty of unacceptable behaviour. Punishment may take the form of omission-training as in depriving the child of certain privileges like TV or computer access. But parents should be careful not to mete out punishment based on mood or in anger. Parents should also be realistic when considering their children’s achievements and perhaps focus on the effort they have made as much as the result. And parents should always explain to their children why they are being punished.
Negative-Unconditional communication is unhealthy and unconstructive usually arising as a result of a flare up or moodiness. This is to be avoided and Dr Goh suggested various ways to reduce the stress that can cause this kind of outburst. This includes buffer time e.g. reflective moments travelling home from work, physical exercise, a happy hour drink, listening to some music, etc.
The most unwelcome of all is NO communication.
It seems some parents are not talking with their children very much – and when they do say something to them, it's not likely to increase their sense of self-worth. We must change this dismal state of parent-child interaction by changing how and why we speak with our children every day. We must have more real conversations, in which we show a genuine interest in their world and we share our world with them. Telling and showing our children how much we love and appreciate who they are should become a natural habit.
Dr Goh then took questions from the audience and there was good participation from everyone. There were useful ideas for everyone to take home and try on their children. While we do not learn good parenting skills in school or through a formal learning process, nevertheless we must make a conscious effort to set a good example and to chart our children’s future. The effectiveness of the seminar prompted a suggestion from parents for CEFL to organise seminars for teenage children.

LEAVING OUR FIRST LOVE

25th July 2006








Rev 2:1-7,

'These things says He who holds the seven stars in His right hand, who walks in the midst of the seven golden lampstands: 2 "I know your works, your labor, your patience, and that you cannot bear those who are evil. And you have tested those who say they are apostles and are not, and have found them liars; 3 and you have persevered and have patience, and have labored for My name's sake and have not become weary. 4 Nevertheless I have this against you, that you have left your first love. 5 Remember therefore from where you have fallen; repent and do the first works, or else I will come to you quickly and remove your lampstand from its place--unless you repent. 6 But this you have, that you hate the deeds of the Nicolaitans, which I also hate. 7 He who has an ear, let him hear what the Spirit says to the churches. To him who overcomes I will give to eat from the tree of life, which is in the midst of the Paradise of God." '

IT IS A GREAT THING to be commended like the church at Ephesus —"I know thy works, and thy labour, and thy patience, and how thou canst not bear them which are evil: and thou hast tried them which say they are apostles, and are not, and hast found them liars: and hast borne, and hast patience, and for my name's sake hast laboured, and hast not fainted." We may feel thankful if we can humbly and honestly say, that this testimony applies to us. Happy is the man whose works are known and accepted of Christ. He is no idle Christian, he has practical godliness; he seeks by works of piety to obey God's whole law, by works of charity to manifest his love to the brotherhood, and by works of devotion to show his attachment to the cause of his Master. "I know thy works." Some of us cannot get so far as that. Jesus Christ himself can bear no witness to our works, for we have not done any. We are Christians by profession, but we are not Christians as to our practice. Happy is that man to whom Christ can say, "I know thy works." It is a compliment worth a world to have as much as that said of us. But further, Christ said, "and thy labour."

Many were they in the apostle's days that did works for Christ; but the apostle Paul was in the forefront in labouring for souls. It is not work merely, it is anxious work; it is casting forth the whole strength, and exercising all the energies for Christ. Could the Lord Jesus say as much as that of us—"I know thy labour?" No. He might say, "I know your loitering; I know your laziness; I know your shirking of the work; I know your boasting of what little you do; I know your ambition to be thought something of, when you are nothing." But it is more than most of us dare to hope that Christ could say, "I know your labour."
But further, Christ says, "I know thy patience." Now there be some that labour, and they do it well. But what does hinder them? They only labour for a little season, and then they cease to work and begin to faint. But this church had laboured on for many years; it had thrown out all its energies in an unabated zeal for the glory of God. "I know thy patience." I tremble to think how few out of this congregation could win such praise as this. "I know thy works, and thy labour, and thy patience, and how thou canst not bear them which are evil."

I am afraid we have not enough of patience, enough of labour, and enough of good works, to get even as much as this said of us. But it is in this next text, I fear the majority of us must find our character. "Nevertheless I have somewhat against thee, because thou has left thy first love."

What is our first love?
What did Andrew do when he first discovered the Lord - John 1:41? Similarly what did Philip first do when he discovered the Lord"? John 1:45; What did the Samaritan woman in John 4 first do when she discovered the Jesus? John 4:28,29. What did Matthew do? Matt. 9:9. What did Paul first do? Gal 1:17-22, etc
It is that first love that you and I must confess I am afraid we have in a measure lost. Let us just see whether we have it. When we first loved the Saviour how earnest we were; there was not a single thing in the Bible that we did not think most precious; there was not one command of his that we did not think to be like fine gold and choice silver. How happy we used to be in the ways of God. Our love was of that happy character that we could sing all day long; but now our religion has lost its lustre, the gold has become dim; we know that when we come to the Lord’s table how often without enjoying it. There was a time when every bitter thing was sweet; whenever we hear the Word, it was all precious to us.

The Ephesians had left their first love for God. Although they still maintained the doctrines of religion, and opposed the advocates of error, they showed less ardour of affection towards him directly than they had formerly done. Loving God requires every part of us to return to that love from which we are loved by God. If our flame of love for Him is flickering, there is a need to discover a way to rekindle that fire and the love we have left.

The church, once so full of life and love, may become as cold as those that went before it, or as those from which it separated.

It is not uncommon that, when a church has lost the ardour of its first love, it may suffer decline, until "the candlestick is removed" - until either the church becomes wholly extinct, or until vital piety is wholly gone, and all that remains is the religion of forms.

The sin that Christ charged this church with was their decay and lack of love and zeal: Thou has left thy first love; not left and forsaken the object of it, but lost the fervent degree of it that at first appeared.

(1.) The first affections of men towards Christ, and holiness, and heaven, are usually lively and warm. Those days were so happy that our memory will never forget them, and therefore we can easily return to that first bright spot in our history. Oh, what love was that which I had to my Saviour the first time he forgave my sin.
(2.) Over time these lively affections may abate and cool if great care is not taken, and diligence used, to preserve them in constant exercise.
(3.) When that happens, Christ is grieved and displeased with his people when he sees them grow remiss and cold towards him.

The advice and counsel given them from Christ: Remember therefore whence thou hast fallen, and repent, etc.

Those that have lost their first love must remember from where they have fallen; they must compare their present with their former state, and consider how much better it was with them then than now, how much peace, strength, purity, and pleasure they have lost, by leaving their first love - how much more comfortably they could lie down and sleep at night - how much more cheerfully they could awake in the morning - how much better they could bear afflictions, and how much more they enjoy the favour of God - how much easier the thoughts of death were to them, and how much stronger their desires and hopes of heaven.

They must return and do their first works. They must as it were begin again, go back step by step, till they come to the place where they took the first false step; they must endeavour to revive and recover their first zeal, tenderness, and seriousness, and must pray as earnestly, and watch as diligently, as they did when they first set out in the ways of God.

This good advice is urged,

(A.) By a severe threatening, if it should be neglected: I will come unto thee quickly, and remove thy candlestick out of its place.
(B.) By mentioning what was yet good among them: This thou hast, that thou hatest the deeds of the Nicolaitans, which I also hate, v. 6. The Nicolaitans were a loose sect who sheltered themselves under the name of Christianity. They held hateful doctrines, and they were guilty of hateful deeds, hateful to Christ and to all true Christians; and it was mentioned to the praise of the church of Ephesus that they had a just zeal and abhorrence of those wicked doctrines and practices.

We can never employ our faculty of hearing better than in listening to the word of God: and we may lose the crown of glory if we do not employ it to this purpose.

Ps 81:11-14,
11 "But My people would not heed My voice,
And Israel would have none of Me.
12 So I gave them over to their own stubborn heart,
To walk in their own counsels.

13 "Oh, that My people would listen to Me,
That Israel would walk in My ways!
14 I would soon subdue their enemies,
And turn My hand against their adversaries.

We have a promise of great mercy to those who overcome. The Christian life is a warfare against sin, Satan, the world, and the flesh. We must never yield to our spiritual enemies, but fight the good fight, till we gain the victory, as all persevering Christians shall do; and the warfare and victory shall have a glorious triumph and reward. That which is promised here to the victors is that they shall eat of the tree of life which is in the midst of the paradise of God. All who persevere in their Christian trial and warfare shall derive from Christ, as the tree of life, perfection and holiness and happiness in the paradise of God; not in the earthly paradise, but the heavenly.

Has our love for God turned cold? "...because lawlessness will abound, the love of many will grow cold. But he who endures to the end shall be saved." Matthew 24:12
"...you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind, and with all your strength.’ This is the first commandment." Mark 12:30

Loving from the heart involves an inner feeling of wanting to please Him seeking God’s grace and mercy and in doing good. With all our soul, our very being is to give attention to matters of spiritual importance and regard for its destination. With all our mind is to put on the mindset of Christ, a transformation from the old and to put on the new, a repentance from the worldly. With all our strength involves the overcoming of all evil influences and the ways of the world, preaching despite adversities, persecution, trials and tribulations.

2 Cor 5:14-15, For the love of Christ compels us, because we judge thus: that if One died for all, then all died; 15 and He died for all, that those who live should live no longer for themselves, but for Him who died for them and rose again.

Love towards Christ is reflected upon our nearness to him. It is just like the planets and the sun. Why are some of the planets cold? Why do they move at so slow a rate? Simply because they are so far from the sun: put them where the planet Mercury is, and they will be in a boiling heat, and spinning round the sun in rapid orbits. So, beloved, if we live near to Christ, we cannot help loving him: the heart that is near Jesus must be full of his love.

John 14:21-21 "He who has My commandments and keeps them, it is he who loves Me. And he who loves Me will be loved by My Father, and I will love him and manifest Myself to him.... If anyone loves Me, he will keep My word; and My Father will love him, and We will come to him and make Our home with him. He who does not love Me does not keep My words...."

So translating one's love for Christ is to be actively serving him and keeping his commandments, preaching and encouraging as well caring for the needy? Keeping God’s words require us to be hospitable to guest, to preach the word and to fellowship with one another. How else do we know the concerns of members and help them in their time of need? How else do we express our love and concern for one another? How do we encourage one another?
Matt 28:19-20

Go therefore and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, 20 teaching them to observe all things that I have commanded you; and lo, I am with you always, even to the end of the age." Amen.
Yet sometimes we are too preoccupied with matters of administrative nature (housekeeping as it is usually termed) than to do the will of God. Like the early apostles we should not be pre-occupied with serving tables alone?

Acts 6:2-4, Then the twelve summoned the multitude of the disciples and said, "It is not desirable that we should leave the word of God and serve tables. 3 Therefore, brethren, seek out from among you seven men of good reputation, full of the Holy Spirit and wisdom, whom we may appoint over this business; 4 but we will give ourselves continually to prayer and to the ministry of the word."

Sometimes the priority may be distorted and we focussed on housekeeping matters. Martha in Luke 10:40-42 thought that her sister Mary was not sharing in the house chores and she was solely burdened with this task. “But Martha was distracted with much serving, and she approached Him and said, "Lord, do You not care that my sister has left me to serve alone? Therefore tell her to help me." 41 And Jesus answered and said to her, "Martha , Martha , you are worried and troubled about many things. 42 But one thing is needed, and Mary has chosen that good part, which will not be taken away from her." Let us chose the good part; the teachings of Christ are clear.

SEEK TO GET YOUR FIRST LOVE RESTORED.

"And this I pray, that your love may abound still more and more in knowledge and all discernment, that you may approve the things that are excellent, that you may be sincere and without offence till the day of Christ, being filled with the fruits of righteousness which are by Jesus Christ, to the glory and praise of God."
Philippians 1:9-11