SEMINAR ON PARENTING SKILLS

“COMMUNICATING POSITIVELY & CONSTRUCTIVELY WITH YOUR CHILDREN”

At a seminar on the above subject, organised by CEFL, parents were given some ideas of how to strategise communicating with their children as a means to develop constructive relationships and minimise hindrances to their progress. Our guest speaker was Dr Goh Chee Leong, the Director and Head of HELP University’s Centre for Psychology, who lectures on a broad range of courses, including motivation and counselling psychology, and also works as a corporate trainer, specialising in conflict resolution.
Dr Goh gave an arresting talk, analysing the various ways we can and do communicate with our children and giving food for thought to all present.
He started by looking at the purpose of communication and identified three main areas for consideration: conveying a message, sharing feelings and building relationships. He focused particularly on building relationships which he characterised as making connections with the other party. Parents can and should communicate with their children both to encourage and strengthen a relationship and, importantly, to steer children towards an end objective which parents have identified. In other words the person they would like their child to be when he/she grows up. To achieve this, Dr Goh encouraged parents to have a regular ‘retreat’ where they discuss and agree how they can best help their children to move towards the objective they have agreed upon. And it’s not just a matter of considering academic attainment or career options; parents must make a conscious effort to identify important characteristics and values that they want their children to acquire. These characteristics may be compassion, a concern for health (physical and emotional), an appreciation of the value of education, spirituality, integrity, independence, etc.
There must be unity of mind between parents. At the same time punishment meted out must be consistent with the value parents are trying to instil. Be careful about misplaced anger, which is destructive. Parental expectations must be appropriate to the child’s age and ability.
Dr Goh discussed 5 ways of communicating with children.
Positive–Conditional, parents offer praise and rewards for the accomplishment of the child. For example, when the child does well in exams, parents may then encourage him/her by saying ‘well done’ or rewarding with a present. The child has done something to deserve recognition and such recognition must be meaningful.
Positive-Unconditional is what parents give without a need for the child to achieve or perform something e.g. a vacation for the family or just an expression of love. Parents must be careful not to use love as a discipline tool or punishment. Parental love cannot be linked to a child’s action or else it may affect his/her self-esteem. Further it is useful for the child to spend some quality time with the parent on a one-to-one basis without the presence of other siblings.
Negative-Conditional takes the form of punishment to promote adherence to values established. The child then understands when he/she has crossed certain defined boundaries or has been guilty of unacceptable behaviour. Punishment may take the form of omission-training as in depriving the child of certain privileges like TV or computer access. But parents should be careful not to mete out punishment based on mood or in anger. Parents should also be realistic when considering their children’s achievements and perhaps focus on the effort they have made as much as the result. And parents should always explain to their children why they are being punished.
Negative-Unconditional communication is unhealthy and unconstructive usually arising as a result of a flare up or moodiness. This is to be avoided and Dr Goh suggested various ways to reduce the stress that can cause this kind of outburst. This includes buffer time e.g. reflective moments travelling home from work, physical exercise, a happy hour drink, listening to some music, etc.
The most unwelcome of all is NO communication.
It seems some parents are not talking with their children very much – and when they do say something to them, it's not likely to increase their sense of self-worth. We must change this dismal state of parent-child interaction by changing how and why we speak with our children every day. We must have more real conversations, in which we show a genuine interest in their world and we share our world with them. Telling and showing our children how much we love and appreciate who they are should become a natural habit.
Dr Goh then took questions from the audience and there was good participation from everyone. There were useful ideas for everyone to take home and try on their children. While we do not learn good parenting skills in school or through a formal learning process, nevertheless we must make a conscious effort to set a good example and to chart our children’s future. The effectiveness of the seminar prompted a suggestion from parents for CEFL to organise seminars for teenage children.